Parenting in a Pandemic
[We are all homeschoolers now]
by Jon Dennis and Katina Yohpe
Note: Katina Yohpe is the Director of Women’s Ministries at Holy Trinity, and Jon Dennis is our Senior Pastor.
A Parent’s Dilemma
Ten days ago, when social isolation was just beginning and the pandemic was underway, one of our family members sent a link from Muppet Treasure Island to other family members. The song? Cabin Fever! Why? It humorously begins with a pirate beginning to shake and quiver, who suddenly shouts, “I’ve got Cabin Fever!” Another pirate responds, “I’ve got it too!” Soon the whole ship is singing, “We’re all going mad!” As someone said, this song has become something of the National Anthem of our quarantine. And as humorous as that might be, the reality is we are all trying to cope in the midst of a global tragedy. How do we cope?
We can admit it. We are all going a little stir crazy. School and a global pandemic hardly go together. What are our kids supposed to learn anyway? If you’ve never homeschooled before, the sudden prospect can seem overwhelming; if you’ve already been doing school at home, your usual curriculum may suddenly feel irrelevant in light of this global crisis. How do you stay focused on The Trail of Tears (1831–1877) when people are dying daily in northern Italy, in New York, and all over the world? Do fractions really matter in a worldwide crisis? On top of the irrelevance, some schools seem to expect our children immediately to be more creative—to write the next King Lear—when they are still learning to write their names!
Our conviction, which is sometimes comforting and sometimes not, is that our kids, in the midst of this crisis, are learning a lot about life and faith and relationships no matter what kind of curriculum we are (or aren’t) using. They’re learning what matters most to us. They’re learning to pray (over Zoom). They’re learning what to do with anxiety and stress. And they’re learning all this every day, quarantine or no quarantine.
We recently reached out to a number of parents to ask them what they are learning in this season. Katina has four young children at home and Pastor Dennis has five (mostly) grown children with three currently working and studying at home due to the pandemic. Pastor Dennis and his youngest son Josh, 17, were quarantined in the basement for 14 days.
Acknowledge the Challenge
Some of our parents encouraged us first of all to acknowledge the challenge. Megan Leiva who has three young boys at home, put it this way, “Parenting in this unprecedented time is new to all of us. More than ever we are being stretched to care for our loved ones and children 24/7.” But Megan encourages us to set an optimistic tone. She writes, “Rise up! We can do this! Yes, these days are long. Desiring to keep our children healthy and well-fed as well as adding social isolation to the mix can be overwhelming. But our God is faithful and gracious and ‘we can do hard things’—and come through this strong, resourceful, loving, kind and praising Jesus.” Megan finds hope in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
In a like manner, Holy Trinity Pastoral Resident, Ashanti Pettaway, father of two young boys, wants our young parents to be realistic, to add grace, and see the opportunity. “Taking the time to slow down and set realistic goals and schedules are key. Forgive yourself. Most of us were not prepared to become our children's primary teacher, but recognize that although it may be difficult, it is also a great opportunity to bond with your child.”
Keeping Our Priorities
Amy Dennis (married to Jon), encourages us to keep first things first. Priorities matter. Amy challenges us, “Keep your priorities straight—child of God first, wife or husband second, parent third.” What does that mean practically? “Even if we do it poorly, take time to read the Word and pray. Cry out to the Father, repent, praise, be thankful, ask for help.” And on a marriage level, “If you're married, find time to communicate with your spouse, to be on the same team, and love and understand each other well. And try to laugh, smile, delight in your children, have fun with your family even in the midst of crisis—it's an act of faith.”
Megan Leiva agrees. For her, the most encouraging things she has found is, “Waking up and seeking God. Choosing to seek God, to read His Word, to pray for your kids and your own attitude keeps the focus on worshipping Christ.” Megan also encourages us to be realistic about the timing. “It may not always be the first thing you can do if your kids wake at the crack of dawn, but try to carve out some time or listen to some verses/songs and pray while doing household chores.”
Amy Buehler has found the devotionals from HTC staff helpful. She writes, “We have been doing the HTC daily devotion together as a family most nights. It has been so beautiful to engage as a family with the Word and specifically how it applies to this current reality.”
In addition, the Buehlers have found a way to cultivate thankfulness. Amy writes, “After we read and study together we have been making a ‘tree of thankfulness.’ Each night we each write one thing we are thankful for on a leaf. This encourages each of us to think about the good in these times and praise God in all seasons.” For Amy, this isn’t merely for the moment, but something that she thinks will encourage her and her family in the future. “I plan to save each leaf as a memory of the good that came out of this time.”
Stay Aware of the Dangers
Part of what is important is realizing the pitfalls ahead. Megan Leiva helpfully outlines a number of the challenges that change of the pandemic and our cabin fever can lead to.
1. Change can lead to chaos. This season has forced every one of our loved ones into one place, under the same roof. This change in normalcy can lead to chaos. But we need to keep the morale high. In Jesus’ ministry, when there was deep disruption, Jesus brought about peace and joy. He brought a calming presence. He didn’t promise his disciples a peaceful, “normal” life. We need to remind our kids to love and care for one another in this time. We all have to work at this together as we’re in tight quarters! God is still in control, and we can glorify him by setting a tone of love and order.
2. Change can lead to fear. In seasons of heightened emotions, when things seem out of control, our tendency is to fear. Fear then results in isolation and independence. But we need to combat this with prayer! Prayer is dependence on Jesus. Allowing my kids to hear me say I’m feeling worried and hear me call out to God is seeking Christ. Example: One morning I realized I was responding in fear because my husband had mentioned he didn’t feel well. Subconsciously, I became worried and allowed my mind to think of the worst. Later I realized that my worry was not allowing me to be fully present for my kids. I was not bringing my worries to God in prayer! This was a practical lesson to learn in the midst of fear. I cannot control what will happen, but I can pray and ask for peace!
3. Change can lead to lethargy. Living in a densely populated city provides less space to get out on a walk without being near people. If you can’t get outside, provide opportunities for you and your children to exercise. Find YouTube videos of kid’s yoga or exercises and follow along with your kids. Your kids will love that you are participating with them, and you’ll get a workout too! Or if you need a few minutes to yourself, let them follow an exercise video and take a quick nap on the couch!
Words of Advice: How to Parent in this Pandemic
So what should we do? We will close with seven practical suggestions from Megan:
1. Lean in. Lean in to your children’s needs. Why are they crying, whining or seem to be fighting with their siblings more? This is a new “different” for all of us, and they feel the strain too. It may feel overwhelming, even more so than the normal whining or sibling rivalry, but what better time to peel back the layers and help your child process their emotions in a healthy way. Focus on being keenly aware of your children’s emotions and what the underlying cause may be. Are they afraid? Are they sad? Worried for a family member? Missing school? Or do they just need extra hugs and kisses so they can feel secure. We all need extra hugs right now, so liberally give them to your little ones too!
2. Consistent schedules. It’s really helpful to maintain an expected daily schedule. That may look like guiding your children through their schoolwork, whether online with their teacher and class or helping them complete the work the teacher sent for them. Keep to a routine as much as possible. Wake up, breakfast, dress, chores, school and play, ending the day with a consistent time of bedtime reading.
3. Work on keeping weekends feeling like a weekend. The pizza and game or movie night you normally look forward to...keep that up! Normalcy is security for your children and good for you too. Continue to build those consistent memories that everyone enjoys.
4. Read, Read, Read. Read to your kids, have them read, listen to audiobooks. Fill their minds with great stories. There are a lot of free online apps offering books and audios for kids at this time.
5. Music. Play music that uplifts your soul. Listen to music that is fun and joyful. Listen to old school songs. Share songs with your kids from when you were a kid, and then dance in your kitchen! It’s hilarious and makes everyone smile! They will remember the impromptu silly dances in the kitchen after dinner! And so will you.
6. Special Needs Parenting. Most counselors/therapists are still able to meet with you or your child via technology. The consistency and support for you, your child and family is vital at this time. It can be especially helpful as they can really see into your home and give you the needed support as you care for your child.
7. Kids want to see their friends. The new playdate, on Facetime or Google Hangout, to chat, draw together, or play with Legos and share their creations with each other, adds a lot of fun to your child’s schedule and is a great encouragement to them.
The challenges before us as parents are real, but so is the strength of the Lord. Philippians 4 encourages us to “be anxious for nothing”—but the reason for that admonition is also clear: “The Lord is at hand.” (Philippians 4:5–6). Let’s rest in the nearness of the Lord in this season, trusting the promise of Isaiah 54:13, “All your children will be taught by the LORD, and great will be their peace.” In the crisis of this pandemic, Christ is our peace.
Dr. Jon M. Dennis is the Chairman of Together Chicago and Senior Pastor of Holy Trinity Church, Chicago which he helped found in 1998. He has five children and has been married to Amy for 34 years.
Katina Yohpe is the Director of Women's Ministry at HTC Downtown, where she has been a member for over ten years. She and her husband, Kevin, have four kids, ages 8-12.